Dear Homer TLC, Inc,
While browsing the internet with my family I came across a domain which you own. That domain is www.homedespot.com.
Unfortunately the entertainment and amusement we expected upon typing this domain into our browser's address bar was not forthcoming, as you, the owner of the domain, have not seen fit to put up a humorous website.
Our disappointment was not immense, but I am certain other families have come across this domain and felt similar disappointment. Collectively, our disappointment is significant.
Please populate this domain with a humorous commentary. Please.
Thanks,
The Watson Family.
John, Kate, David, and Lucy
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
FAMILY MEMORANDUM: ISO 9000 Compliance: Street Crossing
Kids,
It may come as a surprise to some that our street-crossing performance hasn't been up to snuff over the past few weeks, but with a family ISO inspection coming up we're going to need to improve our technique and attention to detail significantly if we don't want to be found noncompliant and have our benefit allotments reduced.
==============================================
Here's a breakdown of the ISO 9000 requirements for safety and effectiveness in street-crossing.
1. Child must slow his/her gait to a casual walk within 2 meters of the crossing. Gait definitions can be found in the ISO 9000:2311 appendix (f), paragraph 30 line 8.
2. Child must attentively listen for traffic in a 180-degree radius for mid-road crossings, and a 360-degree radius for all crossings within 50m of an intersection. Child will be expected to rotate body and head to facilitate stereoaural comprehension of the vehicular environment.
3. Child must react to aural Vehicular Potential by reversing gait and placing a distance of 1.5m between body and edge of road. Child must then attempt to make visual contact with the Vehicle for a period of 30 seconds. VISUAL CONTACT WITH ARUAL VEHICULAR POTENTIAL IS MANDATORY PRIOR TO CROSSING.
4. Child must, assuming an Aural Vehicular Potential of zero, verify aural findings by conducting a visual 180/360-degree sweep as described in section 2. Child must lock head motionless at perigee and apogee of sweep to allow for environmental motion to be identified and accounted for. IF VISUAL VEHICULAR CONFIRMATION IS MADE, CROSSING IS PROHIBITED.
5. Child must verify through no fewer than three iterations of the above conditions that the crossing location has zero Vehicular Potential prior to attempting a crossing.
6. Child must cross street with speed and deliberation, with a Loping gait and at an angle perpendicular to the direction of traffic. Constant aural monitoring of Vehicular potential is expected for the duration of the crossing.
=====================================================
Please read further memos for a description of street-crossing contingencies and street-crossing apparel requirements!
Love,
Dad
It may come as a surprise to some that our street-crossing performance hasn't been up to snuff over the past few weeks, but with a family ISO inspection coming up we're going to need to improve our technique and attention to detail significantly if we don't want to be found noncompliant and have our benefit allotments reduced.
==============================================
Here's a breakdown of the ISO 9000 requirements for safety and effectiveness in street-crossing.
1. Child must slow his/her gait to a casual walk within 2 meters of the crossing. Gait definitions can be found in the ISO 9000:2311 appendix (f), paragraph 30 line 8.
2. Child must attentively listen for traffic in a 180-degree radius for mid-road crossings, and a 360-degree radius for all crossings within 50m of an intersection. Child will be expected to rotate body and head to facilitate stereoaural comprehension of the vehicular environment.
3. Child must react to aural Vehicular Potential by reversing gait and placing a distance of 1.5m between body and edge of road. Child must then attempt to make visual contact with the Vehicle for a period of 30 seconds. VISUAL CONTACT WITH ARUAL VEHICULAR POTENTIAL IS MANDATORY PRIOR TO CROSSING.
4. Child must, assuming an Aural Vehicular Potential of zero, verify aural findings by conducting a visual 180/360-degree sweep as described in section 2. Child must lock head motionless at perigee and apogee of sweep to allow for environmental motion to be identified and accounted for. IF VISUAL VEHICULAR CONFIRMATION IS MADE, CROSSING IS PROHIBITED.
5. Child must verify through no fewer than three iterations of the above conditions that the crossing location has zero Vehicular Potential prior to attempting a crossing.
6. Child must cross street with speed and deliberation, with a Loping gait and at an angle perpendicular to the direction of traffic. Constant aural monitoring of Vehicular potential is expected for the duration of the crossing.
=====================================================
Please read further memos for a description of street-crossing contingencies and street-crossing apparel requirements!
Love,
Dad
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Reversal of gender roles in American breakup dynamics
don't be fooled by the peer-review-worthy title, nothing important is being said here.
i remarked to a friend on the phone that the leading cause of breakups in america is video games. i don't remember where i read this, or when, but it was in one of those disgusting "established in 1962" housewife circulars like USA today or PEOPLE or TIME, probably in a supermarket checkout line or an airport, but i digress. the point is that video games have supplanted money as the leading cause of breakups, and with this victory comes an odd little reversal of gender roles.
think about it- why do video games ruin relationships? the answer is easy: escapism, but a real answer is a little more difficult. consider that all relationships falter eventually, but not all of them fail outright. when a relationship falters a man has a choice to make, a binary one, to either work towards salvaging and restoring the relationship to its previously healthy status, or to end the relationship. video games are a fabulous new third option: ignore the problem, ie escapism.
so the man plays video games instead of dealing with his problems
the woman gets upset when he ignores her under a box of electronic zephyrs
the man is unhappy about the upset woman, and becomes hostile
the woman is unhappy about the hostile man, and becomes frigid
the man, satisfied that he is being ignored instead of attacked, returns to his video game
eventually someone gets fed up and leaves.
so how does this represents a role reversal? examine this scenario in which the previous #1 reason for breakups, money, is the focal point of a breakup. recall our starting point, a faltering relationship.
the woman goes shopping and buys clothes to forget about her problems
the man gets upset when he sees his bank account being depleted
the woman is unhappy when lectured, and becomes frigid
the man reacts negatively to frigidity, becoming hostile
the woman, disgusted by a hostile man, leaves the house to do some more shopping
qed
i remarked to a friend on the phone that the leading cause of breakups in america is video games. i don't remember where i read this, or when, but it was in one of those disgusting "established in 1962" housewife circulars like USA today or PEOPLE or TIME, probably in a supermarket checkout line or an airport, but i digress. the point is that video games have supplanted money as the leading cause of breakups, and with this victory comes an odd little reversal of gender roles.
think about it- why do video games ruin relationships? the answer is easy: escapism, but a real answer is a little more difficult. consider that all relationships falter eventually, but not all of them fail outright. when a relationship falters a man has a choice to make, a binary one, to either work towards salvaging and restoring the relationship to its previously healthy status, or to end the relationship. video games are a fabulous new third option: ignore the problem, ie escapism.
so the man plays video games instead of dealing with his problems
the woman gets upset when he ignores her under a box of electronic zephyrs
the man is unhappy about the upset woman, and becomes hostile
the woman is unhappy about the hostile man, and becomes frigid
the man, satisfied that he is being ignored instead of attacked, returns to his video game
eventually someone gets fed up and leaves.
so how does this represents a role reversal? examine this scenario in which the previous #1 reason for breakups, money, is the focal point of a breakup. recall our starting point, a faltering relationship.
the woman goes shopping and buys clothes to forget about her problems
the man gets upset when he sees his bank account being depleted
the woman is unhappy when lectured, and becomes frigid
the man reacts negatively to frigidity, becoming hostile
the woman, disgusted by a hostile man, leaves the house to do some more shopping
qed
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